My mantra is more events equals more happiness

You happy in Events ?

Are you happy at your job? Does it really matter? After all, your employer gives you a salary, sometimes small, sometimes enough to go out once a month and buy a kebab after, and a place to go between 9 and 5 or like me 10 – when the sun comes up. If it wasn’t for your job, you’d be sitting at home all day, throwing back Red Bulls and watching “Big Fat something or other.” You’d never have the luxurious lifestyle you have today, not to mention all the excitement and the glamour your event job provides.

Yet, for ungrateful wretches like you and me, this is apparently not sufficient. You also want to be happy!?! What’s surprising is that your bosses may want you to be happy, too. No, they don’t care that your job makes you miserable. That’s because new research has shown that happy employees are 31 percent more productive, 300 percent more creative and make 37 percent more sales.

Apparently, your poor performance is not because you don’t work enough. It’s because you don’t giggle enough.

One of the driving forces behind these new theories of happiness is Shawn, a researcher, author of “The Happiness Advantage. According to one of my mates who read his stories, Anchor’s researches have uncovered “The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work.”

And here’s the best part — he. Is. Happy. To. Share.

One of the techniques Shawn suggests that will “flip the switch to capitalize on positive intelligence” is to “re-wire your brain for increased positivity.” This amazing feat can be accomplished in “as little as three weeks,” according to the happiness guru, but in your case, you might want to allot more time for the flipping process to begin. Before you can re-wire your brain, you do have to find it.

The techniques suggested to accomplish this mental remodelling project include “jotting down three things for which you are grateful.” If you can’t think of any, let me help: You’re grateful for the free non-dairy soya creamer in the coffee room, which you can sprinkle on the shoulders of your co-workers, and then rush to tell the rest of the office it’s dandruff. You’re grateful for all the office supplies you’ve pilfered from the storage room and sold on eBay.

Finally, you’re grateful that your manager constantly berates you, because it makes you appreciate the intermittent criticism you get from your spouse, your children and your dog.

Shawn also recommends meditating at your desk for two minutes. Or you can continue to nap at your desk for six hours, but be careful — you could miss lunch and that would not make you happy.

The happiness guru encourages you to “Change Your Relationship Status … with Stress.” I didn’t understand this phrasing at first, because I know how stressful it would be for you to change your intimate and intense relationship status with the lunchtime buffet at the local all you can eat Chinese buffet. Turns out author Shawn is talking about changing the way you deal with stress. His suggestion is to “pick one stressor to manage at a time, and work your way up from smaller to large victories.”

For example, you might start by giving up the stress you feel when you consider the effects of a giant meteorite crashing into Earth right before the start of “Revenge.” Then you can start working on the stress you feel when the candy machine is out of Whispers.

Or you can simply continue to do what you do now, and beat on the machine with your tiny fists. It may be futile, but it does make you happy.

Helping your co-workers also generates happiness. Research shows that providing “social support” to the losers with whom you work will make you 40 percent more likely to be promoted and feel ten times more engaged by your job. This may be news to you, since the majority of your time, like mine, at work is spent trying to sabotage your co-workers.

Please let me support you in your efforts to support your co-workers. It’s actually easy. When a fellow worker makes a negative comment about your company’s management, immediately send an email to the manager being discussed, documenting the incident in detail. The manager will then realize that your fellow worker is unhappy and quickly move to rectify the situation, using a highly supportive management technique called “firing.”

Your co-worker may be sad, but your manager will be happy, and that should make you very happy indeed.

Of course, being a specimen of event perfection, you may feel you really don’t need to make any resolutions. After all, 2011s “try to share my witty genius with others less gifted than me,” resolution really didn’t pan out. Alternately, you could adopt the technique described by Elizabeth Bernstein and do what caring corporations do — outsource the job.

It makes sense. As Bernstein writes, “who better to tell us how to improve ourselves than someone who knows us well — perhaps better than we know ourselves — and even may be all too happy to offer up some tough love.”

If looking for an “all too happy” provider of tough-love, I suggest you avoid the average events manager. The person you ask should find you only slightly flawed and eminently fixable. Unless you want to declare open season on your headcount, don’t open a floodgate of resolutions from someone who could instantly spew out a dozen ways you could be a better human being.

This leaves our loved ones as the preferred sources for resolutions. “We all have blind spots, but the people we are intimate with can see them,” is the quotable quote Bernstein extracts from couples therapist and psychology professor, David Palmiter. And, in fact, the article does include a case history of a couple that did provide each other’s New Year’s resolutions and lived to tell the tale.

Basically, he was told by she to start eating healthy, start a new business and stop hanging around the house. “Get out of my hair,” were the loving, constructive words of that final resolution.

When it was he who had to provide resolutions to she, the husband proved he was a master of marriage dynamics. His resolutions included “Be more adventurous” and “Stop criticizing yourself so much.” (Personally, I would have added, “Resolve to treat yourself to more costly spa treatments, since you so clearly deserve the very best in life,” but, then again, I’ve been married many times).

Another case history in the article limned the tale of Karen Platt who, “tired of making the same New Year’s resolutions year after year,” requested a batch of resolutions from her 12-year-old son, Dexter. I’m not suggesting that you run your life based on the wisdom of a 12 year old, but, let’s face it, he probably will be better at it than you.

If you don’t have any close friends that you can ask for help with your resolutions and you don’t want to provide any additional opportunities for criticism from your loved ones, I’m happy to offer my services.

Though I would hardly call us “intimate,” I definitely know you better than you know yourself. Climb out from under the bed, and let’s get this resolution issue resolved:

Resolution No. 1: Work less.

I know it’s difficult to imagine working any less than you currently do, but give it a try. Let’s see how little you can actually do before your manager notices. There could be dozens of hours in the week you could be devoting to twitter or some new exciting APP, which you are currently wasting being productive.

Resolution No. 2: Make more mistakes.

Management gurus are always blabbing about how we need the freedom to make mistakes. Sure, you’ve made some major blunders in the past, but with a little effort, you could probably create a real catastrophe, and wouldn’t that be fun?

Resolution No. 3: Think inside the box.

The ideas that get “in the box” may be stinkers, but no one is going to fire you for doing business as usual. Besides, it’s cold, lonely and dangerous outside the box. Have you been reading The Metro or watching the News , “ This is no time to take chances! Get into the box, and pull the box top down over you.

Bernstein’s column concludes with tips for smoothing over any residual rage that can come from telling someone they are total losers who have no idea how to live their lives. “Start with a gratitude letter,” says psychologist Palmiter. “Tell the other person what you appreciate about them.”

So, let me just say that I truly value our non-intimate relationship, and I deeply appreciate all the help you will so desperately require from me in 2012. No need to say “thanks.”

Just send money.

His latest is on my right now, and let me tell you, in terms of sheer excitement, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue runs a pale second place. From the moment it hits my App, yes there is a APP, I can’t wait to devour the latest menu of offerings from the company that calls itself “your global engagement partner.” [A relationship that is sure to incite jealous rage in my local engagement partner – Tiffani with an i, the afternoon bartender at the Penthouse London sometime lady of the pole nearby .]

The App is the “Success of Success” app for your smart phone. “Now you can have a Carnegie Coach on your screen ” is the tag line, and, frankly, I can’t think of a scarier concept. The idea here is that if you need to “motivate your team” or resolve “conflict in the department,” click on “Be a Leader” or “Gain Cooperation” and up pops a video of a teeny-tiny consultant who will tell you the way to “get everyone rowing in the right direction.”

I suspect this technological breakthrough is only a first step in the development of the pocket coach. By the time Version 2.0 arrives, the pocket coach will not require a click from you, but be proactive, so that in the middle of a meeting, in the middle of a muddle, a well-modulated squeak will emanate from your pocket, coaching you to “Shut up, you mug. You’re only making it worse!”

Of the rich panoply of educational offerings it was a Carnegie classic — “Effective Communications and Human Relations.” That had a stirring in my lions. This 12-week behemoth attracted my attention by describing its goal with a simple statement of purpose, “It’s Time to Get Human Again!” ?

Alas, as I looked more deeply into this “newly transformed Dale Carnegie Course®,” I realized the curriculum did not include beer busts, wild wedgy workouts, burping contests, or water balloon battles. These are basic human activities that have been driven out of the workplace by a sick and sickening emphasis on productivity, profitability and economic survival especially in events in these financial tumultuous times.

For Carnegie, the way to return humanity is to “act as a persuasive communicator, creative problem solver, and focused leader” so you can “stretch your abilities, tackle complex challenges, generate more ideas and excel as a consensus builder.”

If this is humanity, I’m sure you’d rather work a bunch of robots.

Oh, wait a second. I already do.

If you can’t wait for 12 weeks to transform yourself into a human being, it only takes two 8-hour days and a registration fee of £1600 to “Create an Executive Image.” Acknowledging the sad reality of casual dress codes, this Carnegie program goes beyond fashion advice to focus on the true essence of the executive animal — their ‘tude. Yes, I am down with the kids, just check out my twitter followers ( @penthouselord ) to see that ?

“Image has everything to do with attitude and almost nothing to do with being colour coordinated,” as Mr. Carnegie himself has said, and who are we to argue? Over the 18 hours of course work you learn to “use eye contact to hold attention,” and “influence others to your point of view.” This sounds like hypnotism to me, which could explain the zombie-like behaviour of some of the Carnegie posse I have met over the years. I may be wrong, but next time you get an order from above, clap your hands in front of your supervisor and bark, “Wake up!” The results could be quite dramatic.

While it takes a full 12 weeks for a manager to become human, it only takes a 7-week course to learn how to “think outside the box!” This Carnegie course is designed to unleash leadership principles to “instil an innovation process” and “create and sustain change initiatives.” Go figure! You would think that by this point in an economic melt-down so colossal even the politicians have noticed it, the only training for which companies would gladly pay £1600 would be designed to force managers back into their boxes, and keep them there.

Still, it could have been this very Carnegie course, which encouraged innovation inside the Carnegie organization, which resulted into the new Secrets of Success app, yes I was working my way back to it.

Will the app succeed?

Do we all need an APP to be H..APP..Y ?

Who can perform such a miracle? Babe, in truth its soooo not me ! The Professor Henry Higgins who will turn your inner Eliza Doolittle into your outer Julie Andrews is the famous Dale Carnegie and his merry minions. “How to Communicate with Diplomacy and Tact” is the name of the Carnegie program that promises this transformation, and since they are so good at talking pretty, let me give you their pitch-perfect sales pitch:

“You’ll gain dexterity and grace in dealing with new or trying situations; recognize how you come across to others; speak honestly and confidently; become conscious of body language; master your emotions; give and receive criticism constructively; present yourself as powerful – not intimidating; and say what you need to say without offending or creating conflict. After completing this 2-day program you’ll be able to say anything to anybody in ways that influence outcomes and create cooperation.”

In other words, you’ll become the smooth-talking city-slicker you’ve always wanted to be. Still, if the idea of spending two days in any kind of training course gives you the hee bee jeee bee’s, better let me run through the curriculum. This is one course Dale Carnegie designed with inarticulate you in mind. Think The Kings Speech only with you and some “ Tom Cruise from Magnolia types” in the place of Geoffrey Rush.

1. Discover whether your image is sending the wrong message.

Let’s be honest here — the image you are sending is definitely fuzzy and out of focus. On the positive side, wearing your pajamas to the office does send a message that you are relaxed about the deadlines you face, and playing high volume House Funk music in your cube does tell the world you are up to date with the latest trends. On the negative side, your habits of softly moaning through the work day and breaking into heart-rending sobs at the drop of a pink slip may suggest a lack of confidence in management. Fortunately, this course will teach you how to march through your day standing tall and erect, broadcasting your abilities as if you really had any. Now that’s got to be worth £2000!

2. Use a tried and true method to disagree agreeably.
Heaven knows you’ve appreciated the helpful candor when your boss calls you a stupid idiot, or suggests that your performance would not impress a dyslexic basset hound. But the abilities that make a super-manager go beyond clarity, and the Carnegie course promises to teach you how to “say what you need to say without offending or creating conflict.” I’m not sure how a stupid idiot like me can master these skills as well as I have, you jerk, but sign up anyway. It’s worth a try.

3. Control your hot buttons so you respond instead of react.
You know how you fly off the handle when serious business problems occur, like when they run out of Krispy Kreme donuts before you get to the Monday staff meeting? This Carnegie course can teach you how to control your hot temper, so the only buttons you push are on the elevator to the top. In the example above, for example, the Carnegie course could teach you to react to this aggravating office situation appropriately by ripping away the last donut from the jaws of the nearest co-worker, an act of violence, true, but one that you will learn to smoothly excuse by confessing a eating disorder, which will also smoothly explain why you steal your co-workers’ tuna sandwiches from the office refrigerator too.

4. Maintain your composure when criticized.
Responding well to criticism is an essential skill. With your work habits, criticism is one thing you’re going to get a lot of. Right now, you would respond to your boss criticizing your harmless habit of sneaking out the fire escape every day at 3 PM by throwing your computer against the wall, knocking down your bookcase, and ripping up the carpet in your cubical. After this Carnegie course, you’ll have the diplomatic skills to confidently and tactfully tell your boss that you appreciate her observational skills, and you know that she is only criticizing you because the company can’t survive without the help of a valuable employee like you.

Then you can throw your computer against the wall, knock down your bookcase, and rip up the carpet in your cubical. And don’t forget to beat the boss’s Jaguar into scrap metal with a sledgehammer. Now that’s diplomatic! Unless your Britney Spears…that is !

The latest issue of their e-magazine is in my inbox right now, and let me tell you, in terms of sheer excitement, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue runs a pale second place. From the moment it hits my desktop, I can’t wait to devour the latest menu of offerings from the company that calls itself: “your global engagement partner.” (A relationship that is sure to incite jealous rage in my local engagement partner, Joanne, the afternoon bartender at my club, [insert shameless plug here] The Penthouse London.)

The big news this issue is the new Success of Success app for your smart phone. “Now you can have a Carnegie Coach in your pocket” is the headline on this cover story, and, frankly, I can’t think of a scarier concept. The idea here is that if you need to “motivate your team” or resolve “conflict in the department,” click on “Be a Leader” or “Gain Cooperation” and up pops a video of a teeny-tiny consultant who will tell you the way to “get everyone rowing in the right direction.”

I suspect this technological breakthrough is only a first step in the development of the pocket coach. By the time Version 2.0 arrives, the pocket coach will not require a click from you, but be proactive, so that in the middle of a meeting, in the middle of a muddle, a well-modulated squeak will emanate from your pocket, coaching you to “Shut up, you mug. You’re only making it worse!”

Of the rich panoply of educational offerings in Issue #10 I was drawn to a Carnegie classic – Effective Communications and Human Relations. This ongoing 12-week behemoth attracted my attention by describing its goal with a simple statement of purpose, “It’s Time To Get Human Again!”

Alas, as I looked more deeply into this “newly transformed Dale Carnegie Course®”, I realized the article did not include beer busts, wild wedgy workouts, burping contests, or water balloon battles. These are basic human activities that have been driven out of the workplace by a sick and sickening emphasis on productivity, profitability and economic survival. For shame.

For Carnegie, the way to return humanity is to “act as a persuasive communicator, creative problem solver, and focused leader” so you can “stretch your abilities, tackle complex challenges, generate more ideas and excel as a consensus builder.”

If this is humanity, I’m sure you’d rather work with a bunch of robots.

Oh, wait a second. You are in events so you probably already do.

If you can’t wait for 12 weeks to transform yourself into a human being, it only takes two 8-hour days and a registration fee of £1595 to Create an Executive Image. Acknowledging the sad reality of casual dress codes, this Carnegie program goes beyond fashion advice to focus on the true essence of the executive animal – their ‘tude!

“Image has everything to do with attitude and almost nothing to do with being color coordinated,” as Mr. Carnegie himself has said, and who are we to argue? Over the 18 hours of course work you learn to “use eye contact to hold attention,” and “influence others to your point of view.” This sounds like hypnotism to me, which could explain the zombie-like behaviour of some of our managers. I may be wrong, but next time you get an order from above, clap your hands in front of your supervisor and bark, “wake up!” The results could be quite dramatic.

While it takes a full 12 weeks for a manager to become human, it only takes a 7-week course to learn how to “think outside the box!” This Carnegie course is designed to unleash leadership principles to “instill an innovation process” and “create and sustain change initiatives.” Go figure! You would think that by this point in an economic melt-down so colossal even the politicians have noticed it, the only training for which companies would gladly pay £1695 for would be designed to force managers back into their boxes, and keep them there.

Still, it could have been this very Carnegie course, which encouraged innovation inside the Carnegie organization, which resulted into the new Secrets of Success app.

Will the app succeed? We must rely on the business wisdom of Mae West, who famously said, “Is that a Carnegie coach in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

I have a confession to make. At my age, in this age, you can’t admit that there is any aspect of technology you don’t understand or embrace. Not if you want to avoid becoming a permanent exhibit in the British Museum of the Terminally Unemployed or worse labeled “ Old fogey” .

So, here’s my confession — I don’t think I completely understand Linked-In.

I understand how to use it, of course. I’m actually a Linked-In member, and have, at last count, a very impressive number of connections. (Don’t be jealous, but my current list of intimate business associates now numbers six, and two of them are people I actually know.)

In fact stop reading this and Link with me now..

http://www.linkedin.com/profile/view?id=35580595&locale=en_US&trk=tab_pro]

Ok, now I should have seven, thanks Dad.

While I diligently built my “public profile,” and assiduously checked off the many groups in which I am a member, including the Satureyes Photography one, really just an excuse to stalk my “butty” hero and of course Lady Ga Ga’s little Monster Fan Club, it was difficult for me to believe that all the bytes and pixels I was using up in this social networking extravaganza would ever do me any good.

After all, if I wanted to see how ancient and decrepit my friends had become I had Facebook. And if I wanted my closest associates to know that I was camped out on a bar stool on our 7th Floor Penthouse Suite at 3:37 PM, I had Twitter. But how would LinkedIn — the premier social networking application for business people — serve to promote my career?

I really had no idea.

It was at this point that I came across a column titled “Using LinkedIn for Job References”. The impetus for the article was a question from an anonymous “manager of a major company” who wanted to use LinkedIn as a replacement for the personal references his company refused to provide.

This is a common corporate policy. In order to destroy any chance that you could quit and get a better job, the HR department will only confirm the fact that you exist and that you once were employed. You can imagine the wink-wink-nudge-nudge attitude of your HR person as they describe your time with them — “Yes, she worked here, if you call that working.”

According to the experts, a recommendation on LinkedIn can indeed take the place of the references your current employer will not provide. As some reporter somewhere reported, “In a 2010 survey, Careerbuilder.com found that 45% of companies were using social-networking sites to screen potential employees, up from 22% in 2009. Another 11% said that they plan on starting to use the sites.”

That additional 11%, one can assume, is simply waiting until they get electricity.

The advantage of using LinkedIn for HR professionals is obvious. Employers and recruiters are searching on LinkedIn and Google to “make their CV piles smaller” .

*Sorry need to laugh about the line about their piles been smaller.

And an uncluttered desk, as we all know, leaves more room for their collections of teeny-tiny MacDonald’s happy meal toys . There is also a benefit to the job hunter in that you must approve LinkedIn recommendations before they are posted. If you object to a former supervisor pointing out your minor deficits, like your charming habit of showing up to work in your bathrobe and Uggs, you can put the nonsensical on the reference with a click of your mouse.

But why bother to ask your managers and your co-workers to write you references on LinkedIn when it’s so much more efficient to write your own! Some might consider this dishonest, but that is a myopic point of view. After all, who knows you better than you?

Gathering bogus references is not the only use of LinkedIn. According to Kate the VP of ACT, who got back to me by TXT, or was it SMS either way it was ASAP. She tells me she uses sites like LinkedIn “early in the recruiting process…to obtain background on a candidate’s work experience, area of expertise and education.”

Once again the fundamental laziness of the HR person dovetails neatly with fundamental lack of honesty that has made you a success. Who do you think fills in all the data concerning your education and your accomplishments? So what if you got your high A in Poetry from Oxford Brookes University ?

You could have earned an MBA from Harvard Business School if you weren’t so committed to preserving the noble art of the haiku. Your work even now, attached to every CV.

Put it all together and I think we all now see the fundamental utility of LinkedIn — it’s the one place where you can demonstrate how honest, decent and accomplished you are even if you have to lie and cheat to do it.

*It’s the child in me.

Royal Ascot is the worlds famous horse racing event which started off in 1711,this event is also attended by the Royal family and other members of Royalty the world over. This event is a major sporting event , many people from all over the world visit the famous Royal Ascot. Those that attend the Royal Ascot really do dress up in there best outfits, with so many press attending the event, you will sometimes feel like you are at a fashion show.

So lets talk clothes.

If you are lucky enough to be attending Royal Ascot this year, here are a few tips to ensure that your status as a Savvy Chap is recognised by those in the know, yet never overstated:

Black tailcoat in herringbone weave, all wool, light to medium weight, or vintage tailcoat in Barathea wool (slightly heavier, and useful as a standby in the event of chillier than expected conditions). Dark grey tailcoats are also becoming popular with discerning chaps.

Waistcoat in dove grey, buff, or canary yellow. Double-breasted waistcoats are especially favoured by ourselves, but you won’t go wrong if you adhere to the above rules on colours. Fancy, embroidered polyester waistcoats are the preserve of footballers’ weddings and Canadian snooker players.

Trousers in grey stripe (may be wool / poly mix for durability). If you’ve selected a vintage Barathea tailcoat, look for English-Cut (curved waistband, notch- back, high-rise, buttons for braces – which must accompany).

Plain white shirt with turn down collar (preferably a detachable collar). Ensure that the shirt sleeves are of sufficient length to leave 1/4 inch of cuff showing from under the tailcoat sleeve.

The tie is the one opportunity for expressing a little (discrete) individuality. We like diagonal stripes. A plain white pocket square may be worn. Wing collars with cravats have had a bad name in recent times, and will be considered by many as inappropriate for a Savvy Chap to wear to Ascot. The one exception is in the context of a very vintage ensemble, in which case the cravat must also be vintage – see photo below. Novelty ties, or anything in polyester, may result in immediate ejection from the course.

Highly polished shoes must be black, ideally plain Oxfords, no brogues or loafers.

Top Hat in black, ideally silk. Vintage silk toppers in larger sizes are highly prized, and priced. Polished fur felt is considered next best, wool felt is a good budget option.

And of course a watch, not any watch..but your best watch..for ASCOT there is but one, Longine, who is celebrating its 300th anniversary.

Now if you don’t have one, here is your chance to Win a luxury watch and VIP experience at Royal Ascot!

In the year Ascot is celebrating its 300th anniversary, Swiss Watch brand Longines is proud to continue its role as the official timekeeper for Royal Ascot and co-sponsor the Royal Ascot fashion show for the fifth consecutive year.

This year, the Royal Meeting takes place from the 14th to 18th June, and Longines is set to celebrate the event with the launch of new models in the Column-Wheel collection. To mark this occasion, Longines is giving one lucky winner one of these elegant timepieces worth £2,040.

What’s more, the lucky reader will win an exclusive day for themselves a friend at Royal Ascot on Wednesday 15th June, with VIP treatment in the Bessborough Restaurant – home of the daily couture fashion show.

The package for you and a friend on Wednesday 15th June will consist of grandstand admission, a five-course luncheon with Piper Heidsieck Champagne reception, a complimentary bar and a full afternoon tea created by the Fairmont Trilogy Hotels, along with spectacular views of the world class racing on the track below.

For more information, go to www.longines.com or ascot.co.uk

Of course I will also have the opportunity to meet you, you will be photographed with myself and your stunning new fine timepiece by the official Longine photographer and enjoy a day out fit usually only for Royalty. Terms and conditions below :

I will bring you much much more too from the day.

Terms and Conditions

1. All information forms part of the terms and conditions. 2. Open to all UK residents aged 18 and over, except employees Ascot Racecourse or anyone associated with the competition. 3. Prizes are as offered. No cash alternatives. 4. No entries by post. No purchase necessary. Only one entry per household. 5. Emails will not be accepted and entries received after the closing date will not be considered. 6. No responsibility is taken for entries lost or delayed. 7. The winner will be drawn at random and the judges’ decision is final; no correspondence will be entered into. 8. Competition closes midday on Monday 13th June 9. There is one prize of one Longines watch and two hospitality packages within the Bessborough Restaurant at Royal Ascot on Wednesday 15th June 2011 10. The winners may be required to take part in publicity. 11. In the event of developments outside its control, the promoter reserves the right to offer an alternative prize of equal or greater value.12. The promoter’s decision is final and binding in all matters and no correspondence will be entered into.

["Longines Ascot with a Scott, Lord Scott that is ! "]

Lord Jason Scott is an international events consultant and A-list specialist, currently based at the spectacularly revamped venue, The Penthouse, at number 1 Leicester Square.

It isn’t easy to preach the virtues of effective time management to someone who chooses to waste their time learning at my feet or to someone like you who reads my blogs.

Face it.

There are all sorts of effective, efficient, career-enhancing activities you could be performing right now. And yet, here you are with your nose against the Screen/ iPad /Smartphone when everyone knows you should be applying that schnoz to the grindstone.

Don’t get me wrong. I am pleased and honored that you’ve chosen to waste your time with me. And I want to reward you — with 10,000 megavolts of advice from yet another ‘know-it-all’, Dave Allen, the highly charged author of Getting Things Done: How to Achieve Stress-free Productivity.

It is Dave’s thesis that “many practices that used to be considered ‘good for business’ are major time-wasters today”. Surprisingly, many of those time-wasters are the innovative tools that are supposed to make business today much more productive, like smartphones and computers. (Apparently, electric pencil sharpeners get a pass.)

Of course, none of these newfangled devices could possibly waste as much time as some of the more traditional and well-established business black holes, like the office kitchen or if you are in a venue like me: the Restaurant. Let’s be honest here, Chef’s have been wasting time since we sautéed the first saber-toothed tiger and it was delivered to the first Neanderthal.

Dave does have some surprising statistics to prove that electronic gizmos are wasting our valuable time. For example, did you know that “65 percent of us spend more time with their phone than their spouse”? But does this mean we have to give up our new iPhone4? I’m sure we’ll all return to our spouses just as soon as an app is invented that will bug us about picking up our socks or taking out the garbage.

If you find yourself saddled with a bevy of electronic time-wasters, Dave has suggestions:

1. Put down the mobile device occasionally.

“E-mail is a wonderful tool,” writes Allen , “but can easily evolve into bondage, particularly at the expense of your personal relationships.” Speaking personally, I rather like bondage. In fact, I wish there were steel shackles bonding me to my paycheck! However, if you feel you are suffering from ‘Internet Addiction’, it may be time to enter Internet rehab. Ask management to send you to a tropical island in a sapphire sea where you will be cut off completely from your mobile phone. When you stop trying to answer a ringing coconut, you’re ready to come back to work.

2. Stop checking your e-mail first thing in the morning.

“Don’t deny it!” cautions the author, referring to your habit of not getting anything done because you start the day retrieving messages. Instead of checking e-mail, he suggests spending the first moments of the workday “doing the most important thing you need to do that day.” That’s right. He wants you to start your day with your midday nap. This may force you to cut short your midmorning nap and delay your mid-afternoon nap, but hey, you are “doing the most important thing you need to do that day.”
3. Learn the power of priorities.
“Stop responding to what everyone else thinks is ‘urgent,’ and start focusing on what’s really important.” Good advice. Next time your manager gives you a mission-critical assignment, put your feet up on the desk, lean back in your ergonomically built chair, and explain that while management is hung up on some archaic concept of urgency, you’re going to focus on “what’s really important,” which is developing a sense of personal calm and well-being. This is definitely a high-priority item, since you’ll soon be spending many anxious hours with the other high-priority losers in the benefits line at the job centre.

4. Shut the office door.

“Keep the door shut and focus” is Dave’s mantra. But what happens if you work in a cubicle and don’t have a door? Easy-peasy! Get a screwdriver, and take your boss’s door off its hinges. Drag the door to the entrance of your cubicle, and nail it into place. This will do wonders for your focus, and when security comes to drag you to the parking lot, they’ll need a chainsaw to get to you.

Dave has one more tip that I’d love to share with you, but I’m afraid I can’t possibly do it now.

My Smartphone is ringing, and I have to take the call.

Let’s face facts. With your fragile grip on employment, relationships and reality in general, it might be better to stay in the dark. Unless, of course, you really do want to know who you were meant to be and what you were meant to do. If that is the case, then you probably need a career whisperer.

Often used by career counselor types, the career whisperer is the great way to see if a candidate should be a butcher, a baker, or get those big year-end pay cheques that are so common when you choose the career of candlestick maker. According to these career whisperers “The whisperer® personality test accurately measures productive behaviors, stress behaviors, underlying needs, motivations and organizational orientation.”

To complete a career whisperer questionnaire®, you have to answer 298 questions, including 125 True/False questions about yourself and 125 True/False questions about everyone else. The questions about you should be easy-peazy. You do so much for so many and rarely get any praise for your efforts. True. You’re a caring, sharing people person. True and double true. (The questions about other peeps could force you to actually interact with the nimrods running around your workplace. Yuk!)

Once you have completed the questionnaire, the whisperer® reports on your personality type in five different areas: usual behavior, underlying needs, stress behaviors, interests, and organizational focus. Since your major interest is to avoid any organizational focus, thus reducing stress and allowing you to satisfy your underlying need to spend your entire working day goofing off, completing the whisperer® could be dangerous to your mental health. It’s one thing to be a sleazy events slacker trying to get the most pay for the least work.

It’s quite another to have it confirmed through “a process of regression and factor analysis.”

Interestingly, the whisperer® uses colours to describe the inner-working of your psyche, what there is of it. In each of the different categories, you are rated as a red, green, yellow or blue. For example, if you are determined to be a “yellow” in the face of workplace stress, your natural reaction to a maximum stress situation, like seeing your manager take the last jelly donut, would be to become over-controlling, quietly resistive and rigid. In other words, you would stamp your little feet, whimper like a baby, and hold your breath until you turned red, which is a little weird for a “yellow.”

If you don’t want to shell out the megabucks it takes to take a whisperer®, or would rather have a root canal than take a meeting with a career counselor, you can get a taste of the test at (due to not wanting to advertise for anyone but me there is no site here) where there is a free Career Quiz which uses the whisperer® method to help you determine the kind of job in which you are likely to flourish.

There are 24 pairs of questions in the mini- whisperer®, twelve of which challenge you to choose between different possible career paths. The choices are not easy. Would you rather be a writer or an event professional? Chances are, you would rather have any career other than a writer, including a career rotting away in the miserable job you have now. The second dozen questions are easier. Is it OK to argue with others when you know you’re right? Easy for you to answer. You’ve never been right, not that it ever stopped you from arguing.

The Career Quiz only gives you two colors — one for your interests, and one for your usual style. My interest color was green, which means I enjoy activities that include delegating authority. Right on, Career whisperer® If I can get someone else to do my work for me, color me green.

The career counselor review site also suggests careers that match your Career whisperer® -Lite results. For me, the career that looked best was Bar/Club Manager. It even suggested a graduate program that would be appropriate — English literature. [So, for all you liberal arts majors out there, wondering what to do with your life, here's the answer -- go run a bar.]

Sounded good to me, until I learned that the average salary after five years was £21,000. But that doesn’t mean the Career whisperer® was wrong, and I’ll raise my glass to the best test I know.

You can’t blame the Career whisperer® for putting me on the wrong side of the bar.

Yup, I’m talking way back in 2000.

You probably won’t believe this, but back then, we had something called ‘Perks’, and I’m not talking about the boss offering to drive you to the job office in his Bentley.

These were real benefits, and you got them in addition to your salary simply because management wanted to keep you happy and employed.

Sure, it sounds crazy now, and I don’t blame you for thinking the old Lord has lost his marbles, but the company would actually pay for you to go to study, and when you put money in your Pension, the company would match you, pound for pound.

And then there were the parties — big, awesome parties with food on toothpicks and all the punch you could drink.

Of course, when the economy went south, all those perks went away. And according to some article I read in Playboy, yes I read the articles… they aren’t coming back any time soon. “While some companies are slowly restoring some benefits, experts say workers shouldn’t expect a return to pre-2005 levels”. He backs up his conclusion with a quote from some expert, “Those days are gone” and “Benefits across the board are no longer sacred cows”.

A survey of 522 human resources professionals confirms the disappearance. Perks like stock options, paid family leave, and business-class airfare are heading for extinction like the Unicorn.

Until the job market turns around, worker bees like thee and me will have to be grateful for whatever crumbs upper management decides to throw our way.

One benefit that has definitely gone bye-bye is tuition reimbursement. You can understand the reason — why would your company ever want you to get better educated? As long as management can keep you dumb, barefoot and pregnant with fear, you’ll never ask for more money, or leave to take a better paying job utilizing the new skills you now will never have.

Another vanishing perk is the ability to telecommute. Back in the old days, companies were happy to offer their workers the opportunity to work from home one or two days a week. It cost the company nothing. It freed up desk space. And workers were more productive when they could get into their job without getting out of their pajamas.

No longer!

According to a report, “over the past five years telecommuters have been offset by workers returning to the traditional workplace.”

“The blame for this cruel and unusual behavior may not rest entirely on management however as when times are tough, telecommuters will take refuge in the corporate office, maybe feeling vulnerable or exposed in not being here the action is.”

“Maybe”?

What’s definitely definite is that it makes sense to end an “out of sight, out of a job” situation. Also, with so many people losing their homes, actually doing your work at work may be your only choice. Sitting at your desk dressed in a monkey suit writing your next blog that nobody will comment on is no party, but it is better than trying to telecommute from an old refrigerator under the M5 bridge.

Are there any signs of hope?

If the disappearance of perks in your company depresses you, cheer up. You may not be getting bonuses and business treats, but rest assured, there is a name for people still lapping up the perks…

They’re called Directors and managers. I