As you well know, it takes a big bowl of bad to get me stirred up. I have lived through the global recession, stock market scandals, Tiger Woods active social life (when did he get time to play golf, seriously), political debauchery, even the break up of Cheryl and Ashley Cole, and have not stirred from my bunker in the heavens.

Yet the latest kafuffle about excessive executive compensation has got my knickers in a bunch, and believe me, you don’t want to anything to do with my knickers, bunched or otherwise.

The heart of the issue is not so much the gigantic paychecks cashed every two weeks by London’s business traders, just that they are not all spending it here with me at the Penthouse. Everyone understands how difficult it is to live from paycheck to paycheck, and we assume that making ends meet is just as stressful when you’re worrying about how you’ll buy your next Bentley as it is to be worrying about how you’ll pay for your next meal. I take the same empathetic approach to the so-called scandal Mr. Clegg spoke of during his campaign of his impatience in implementing changes to the banking sector.  Bankers must understand that after the billions pumped into the banking sector there can be no financial or moral justification for the obscene bonuses which are still being paid out.

The fact that certain brilliant MBA-types make these insane bonuses is no worse than Pamela Anderson claiming that she is bankrupt. [Note to Pam: please stop calling. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Kid Rock, but I have no interest in a rebound romance.]

Anyway, the big fuss these days concerns highly-placed corporate executives who are been paid mad money [Note. Not like been paid in MAD money, like they do here in my office come Bonus time.]   Mr. Clegg said during the recent campaign season that the bonus culture had become “symbolic of the culture of greed and excess” which ran amok in the City in the build-up to the credit crunch and warned that the Conservatives would “say little” about bank reforms. What do you think they will do now that they are well hung in the house together ? So now there is added scrutiny on the city boys and CEOs have been pinked slipped, but not before they were green-slipped retirement packages worth millions of pounds.

To some narrow-minded thinkers, million pound rewards for doing a really bad job is considered an affront, if not a downright crime against nature. I disagree – one million percent. CEOs like John Varley and Stephen Hester are to be praised, not buried in bad press.

Just imagine what the working world would be like if we cut off compensation to people who did bad jobs. People like you and me would be broke, that’s what it would be like. Personally, I’m so bad at my job that my clients actually prefer it when I spend the day slacking. “I’d rather have you sleep than work,” is the way one client so charmingly put it. “That way, you can’t screw up.”

[Of course, one can screw up while sleeping at your desk. I once fell out of my Aeron chair and banged my head on the stapler, which caused a nasty bruise, which resulted in two years of disability, plus a fat settlement for punitive damages to a certain client.]

Still, given the high level of management incompetence in business today, it is surprising that ineffectual bosses are rewarded 24-carat golden parachutes. I believe the boards of directors at Pfizer and Home Depot are not shelling out mega-fortunes because their CEOs are inept. The millions are because they have been embarrassed! How can they hold their heads up high at the country club, where all the other incompetent CEOs are still employed, without a money cushion on which to rest their gently paddled behinds?

Now I know that some readers may think that I am being overly generous to people who have already been the recipients of too much generosity. And I know that other readers may feel that I have been too harsh on people who have been dealt a bad hand for just being good at their job.

But let me prove that these failed CEOs, now rich beyond imagination, are truly what we MBA’s call knuckleheads. You’d think they’d be spending their days spending their money when, in fact, they’re focused on where they will be working next! If you or I were lucky enough – and incompetent enough – to have a million pound payoff or bonus, we’d never work again. To be honest, if I had £200 pounds more than I needed to pay my bills, I would never work again.

But many a failed city broker is reporting they are busily fielding job offers. They will probably be working next at a private, rather than a public company, where there is significantly less public scrutiny. And who can blame them. If you’re going to fail your way into your next million pound payoff, it’s better to do it where no one can see you.

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