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So we hired an American?
Why, you ask when there are so many other immigrants here closer to the United kingdom begging to work and who didn’t learn English from MTV or hate the letter “e”? I wish we could take credit for this enlightened policy. Certainly, we have been lobbying long and hard for another member of staff to slave away to my every whim here at The Penthouse.
As you well know, it takes a big bowl of bad to get me stirred up. I have lived through the global recession, stock market scandals, Tiger Woods active social life (when did he get time to play golf, seriously), political debauchery, even the break up of Cheryl and Ashley Cole, and have not stirred from my bunker in the heavens.
Yet the latest kafuffle about excessive executive compensation has got my knickers in a bunch, and believe me, you don’t want to anything to do with my knickers, bunched or otherwise.
The heart of the issue is not so much the gigantic paychecks cashed every two weeks by London’s business traders, just that they are not all spending it here with me at the Penthouse. Everyone understands how difficult it is to live from paycheck to paycheck, and we assume that making ends meet is just as stressful when you’re worrying about how you’ll buy your next Bentley as it is to be worrying about how you’ll pay for your next meal. I take the same empathetic approach to the so-called scandal Mr. Clegg spoke of during his campaign of his impatience in implementing changes to the banking sector. Bankers must understand that after the billions pumped into the banking sector there can be no financial or moral justification for the obscene bonuses which are still being paid out.
The fact that certain brilliant MBA-types make these insane bonuses is no worse than Pamela Anderson claiming that she is bankrupt. [Note to Pam: please stop calling. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Kid Rock, but I have no interest in a rebound romance.]
Anyway, the big fuss these days concerns highly-placed corporate executives who are been paid mad money [Note. Not like been paid in MAD money, like they do here in my office come Bonus time.] Mr. Clegg said during the recent campaign season that the bonus culture had become “symbolic of the culture of greed and excess” which ran amok in the City in the build-up to the credit crunch and warned that the Conservatives would “say little” about bank reforms. What do you think they will do now that they are well hung in the house together ? So now there is added scrutiny on the city boys and CEOs have been pinked slipped, but not before they were green-slipped retirement packages worth millions of pounds.
To some narrow-minded thinkers, million pound rewards for doing a really bad job is considered an affront, if not a downright crime against nature. I disagree – one million percent. CEOs like John Varley and Stephen Hester are to be praised, not buried in bad press.
Just imagine what the working world would be like if we cut off compensation to people who did bad jobs. People like you and me would be broke, that’s what it would be like. Personally, I’m so bad at my job that my clients actually prefer it when I spend the day slacking. “I’d rather have you sleep than work,” is the way one client so charmingly put it. “That way, you can’t screw up.”
[Of course, one can screw up while sleeping at your desk. I once fell out of my Aeron chair and banged my head on the stapler, which caused a nasty bruise, which resulted in two years of disability, plus a fat settlement for punitive damages to a certain client.]
Still, given the high level of management incompetence in business today, it is surprising that ineffectual bosses are rewarded 24-carat golden parachutes. I believe the boards of directors at Pfizer and Home Depot are not shelling out mega-fortunes because their CEOs are inept. The millions are because they have been embarrassed! How can they hold their heads up high at the country club, where all the other incompetent CEOs are still employed, without a money cushion on which to rest their gently paddled behinds?
Now I know that some readers may think that I am being overly generous to people who have already been the recipients of too much generosity. And I know that other readers may feel that I have been too harsh on people who have been dealt a bad hand for just being good at their job.
But let me prove that these failed CEOs, now rich beyond imagination, are truly what we MBA’s call knuckleheads. You’d think they’d be spending their days spending their money when, in fact, they’re focused on where they will be working next! If you or I were lucky enough – and incompetent enough – to have a million pound payoff or bonus, we’d never work again. To be honest, if I had £200 pounds more than I needed to pay my bills, I would never work again.
But many a failed city broker is reporting they are busily fielding job offers. They will probably be working next at a private, rather than a public company, where there is significantly less public scrutiny. And who can blame them. If you’re going to fail your way into your next million pound payoff, it’s better to do it where no one can see you.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She answered, “If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose.”
On that note did you know that According to an article from Press Release newswire, it is a $9.6 Billion industry in the US alone, compared to total book sales of somewhere between $26 and $34 billion in the US. The discrepancy is due to a growing self-publishing community, whose revenues don’t get included in standard industry reports.
U-G-L-Y. You ain’t got no alibi !
U-G-L-Y. You ain’t got no alibi !
You are beautiful. Everyone knows it. But what about those poor unfortunates in the event world who are not as blessed with the face of a movie star and the physique of an action star?
It is well documented that good looks directly transfers into good salaries. It doesn’t matter how smart you are. The better you appear, the better you are paid. And if you doubt it, ask Brad Pitt or that hunky fella from Mad Men.
Being a himbo or hotty yourself, it is perfectly understandable that you have not spent much time worrying about those less fortunately endowed. Fortunately, some overpriced career counselor out there, has addressed the issue and suggests various ways to work-around these issues.
Readers of mine who are stud muffins and total hot tamales can stop at this point, and hustle over to the tanning salon for an wax or mani/pedi . but for those of you who may see a slight flaw or ten in the mirror, read on.
If you’re one of those people who starts every new year by making a list of all the ways you will change for the better in the twelve months ahead, I have one word of advice for you: DON’T.
Don’t make a list. Don’t think things will get better. And most of all, don’t change.
Trust me, it’s not worth the effort. Nothing you can do will change your miserable situation, unless, of course, you quit, and then you’ll have to go through all the trouble of getting a new job, which will certainly be no better than the position you currently have. It could even be worse, at least for the first five years, when you’ll have to meet a bunch of new people to hate, locate a gaggle of new people with funny names, and spend precious goofing-off hours finding the bathrooms.
Moreover, all the effort you put into useless changes could better be spent on truly useful endeavors, like scouring your current office to find new places to nap.
But you’re unhappy, you say, in your present position. To which I say, so is everyone else. Even the lucky stiffs in Bank who are collecting multi-million Pound bonuses are miserable. Really! I’m not saying you need to send sympathy cards, but I have read that due to limited production quotas, many of the newly minted gazillionaires will not be able to procure the new £250,000 Ferrari 599 GTB . Imagine how miserable these disappointed banking warriors will be when forced to spend 2010 driving from their Chelsea penthouses to their European beach houses in last year’s Lamborghini Murcielagos. And you think you have it tough!
Another reason not to start 2010 with visions of bettering yourself is that most of these corporate self-improvement projects cause more harm than good. Let’s look at few of the classic New Year’s resolutions and see the consequences of trying to make 2010 a better year by becoming a better you.
Resolution #1: I’m going to lose weight.
I know that your physician may tell you that you will live longer if you lose weight, but I’ll bet your physician never told you that being fat will help your career. It’s true – fat people earn more than 200% more than skinny, healthy people, and that’s a proven fact according to a study sponsored by the NMTWP (National Muffin Top Wearing Public.)
If you start a diet and eat only healthy foods, you will not be spending very much time in the coffee room, gobbling up the cookies, cakes, pastries and left-over potato salad left out from last week’s staff meeting. This means you will be spending significantly less time schmoozing with your clients, developing the kind of interpersonal connections that could elevate you to a top position when one of your coffee-mates drops dead of a heart attack.
Resolution #2: I’m going to work out regularly.
Another really bad idea. Sure, you can go to the gym before and after work, but let’s face facts — no improvement in your physical condition can neutralize the complete mental meltdown you will suffer when seeing your bloated body stuffed into Lycra and Spandex? Besides, if you spend all your spare time in the gym, you’ll lose out on networking opportunities that come from leaning against the bar at the Penthouse ( or somewhere just as cool 
, or the bonding you’ll develop with the co-workers assigned to drag you home every night after a successful event.
Worse of all is the possibility that you will actually get buff and become attractive to those randy, highly-hormonal young employees who are seeking a mentor among the senior staff. With three or four of these love bunnies throwing themselves at you from nine to nine, you are certain to lose focus on your work product, and on your spouse, who will divorce you, demanding custody of your large-screen TV, and leaving you the children.
Resolution #3: I’m going to get organized.
If you want a recipe for unemployment, clear off your desk. It’s OK to do nothing at the office, as long as it looks like you’re busy. Without the clutter, everyone will think you’re the lazy slug you really are. I say: go out a buy a couple of pounds of debris from the nearest skip. You may have to pay extra for the extra smelly stuff, but it’s money well spent – the stench could keep the boss away until January 2010.
Are you a people person, an outgoing professional who performs best when standing toe-to-toe when having a conversation? Or are you a mail male or female, someone who is shy and retiring in person, but absolutely blossoms when you can hide behind a letter or an e-mail?
Or could you be a telephone person? Can you pick up a telephone, and using your tongue as a rapier, effortlessly craft the perfectly-worded messages that effectively sells a product, a service or, most important of all, yourself?
I thought so.
Fact is, most of us are bumbling boneheads when it comes to presenting ourselves on the telephone. Our winning ways and charming personalities are completely lost in a string of “uhs” and “ahs” and “well, what I really meant to say is.” Despite the high-tech telephone gizmos we stick in our ears, we have not progressed beyond that the shy, stumbling 12-year old who picked up the phone to deliver or receive an invitation to the school dance.
Unless you’re in sales or customer service, your chronic phone freeze probably doesn’t much matter. But it could matter, big time, if you are trying to get yourself a new job as the events industry gets slimmer and slimmer in the job market and your potential employee insists on a telephonic pre-interview.
Telephone interviews are quite the trend. Your future employee understandably wants to see the cut of your jib before shelling out megabucks to transport your sorry husk to headquarters. In a recent first interview for a senior marketing job, Robyn Cobb was grilled by a hiring manager for an hour and a half on topics ranging from her work history and marketing philosophy to her knowledge of the company and its industry. And you must take phone interviews quite seriously, or so Caroline Ceniza-levine, expert in career coaching and development , suggests on http://www.85broads.com/experts/caroline-ceniza-levine/ignore-phone-interview-skills-at-your-peril
It was in kindergarten that I decided that I lacked the personality and the desire to become a truly intimidating person. I was never destined to be a school bully. Like Ferdinand the bull who refuses to fight, in the eponymous children’s story, my basically cheerful and cooperative nature has also prevented me from becoming a bully at work either.
Lacking the basic ability to intimidate and terrorize, I was, naturally, no one’s idea of management material, and was thus condemned to having my peanut butter sandwiches ripped from my hands in the employee lunchroom, and my rare visits to the executive boardroom spoiled by ‘wedgies’ and ‘nipple twisters’.
This could be you?
For those readers who have not yet gone blind typing quote sheets and reading event sheets all day and all night you will be able to see my photo printed with the text of this blog, I know what you are thinking—a person this movie-star handsome must have had lots of plastic surgery.
Believe it or not, I have yet to have any major work done. Beyond a simple forehead lift, chin and cheekbone implants, eyelid enhancement, collagen lip injections, nose reconstruction, hair transplants, chemical dermabrasion and laser facial resurfacing, I am virtually the same person I was when I started in this business, some four hundred and ten years ago.
Or so it feels. Being the beloved elder statesman in the workplace has its advantages, but getting big fat bonuses and skyrocket promotions are not part of it. Perhaps that’s why so many of us are spending our excess cash in procedures that will mitigate the effects of our excess years.
According to the European Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, the number of plastic surgery procedures and injections increased 54 percent between 2007 and 2008. In 2008, the academy reported, 22 percent of men and 15 percent of women who sought plastic surgery did so for “work-related reasons.”
The surgery academy also reported that the average cost of a face-lift in the United Kingdom was £10,588; a brow lift, £4,000; and Botox injections, £350 a visit. And it’s probably even more expensive if you, like thrifty little me, don’t get your work done at Halfords.
This boom of cosmetic surgery in the workplace has caught the attention of The Daily Mail;, which recently published a breathtaking article on the phenomenon and the fact that a X factor contestant had spent thousands on surgery after Simon Cowell attacked her looks . Frankly, after all our years of bowing and scraping, are we really surprised by the positive effect of a little slicing and dicing?
It’s a rule of the business jungle: good looking people go further, faster. If you haven’t seen it yourself, in your company or in your mirror, many a study has concluded that there is a “sizable beauty premium” in the labor market. And according to the experts, “men and women with above-average looks receive a pay premium, while workers with below-average looks receive a pay penalty.”
The lesson here is clear. If you’re just starting out in your career, instead of paying a fortune for a name-brand education, use that money to buy name-brand cosmetics. Oxford and Cambridge look nice on the CV, but you’ll go further with a degree from Gucci and Lancôme.
Of course, for older workers, drugstore remedies may no longer be sufficient to do, or save, the job. I can’t tell you exactly the right age to go under the knife, but if you’re not a Managing Director by the time you’re 36, I’d say it’s time to empty your pension and call your neighborhood plastic surgeon. Some wonderful Plastic surgeons are likely to have extended hours for your convenience, by the way. Some are even open on Saturdays to sandblast clients who can’t get away during the workweek.
While I wholeheartedly endorse surgery as a way to get ahead in the workplace, objective journalistic standards demand that I throw a caveat or two in your path to the Brad Pitt cheekbones or Megan Fox lips that we know will turbo charge your career. According to one surgery consultant, an ultra-tight face-lift or too much collagen pumped into your lips could “cause your career investment to backfire.”
“When you get back, it can become tea brake gossip,” the consultant rightly suggests. But is that a bad thing? It’s tough to be promoted if no one notices you, and if having lips the size of krispy Kreme doughnuts brings you to the attention of management, I say—go for it.
If you do decide to hide your adventures, face the fact that you will be limited in the procedures you can accomplish. The recovery time for a full face-lift is well beyond the meager two-week vacation most companies dole out. You may want to invent a reason for staying out of the office, like going into rehab for a drug or drinking problems. This never seems to hurt rock and pop stars, and you can explain your addiction problems by your fanatical commitment to your job. Remember: a face-lift also lifts your spirits, and with a chemical dependency and a chemical peel, it will be clear to everyone that when it comes to selecting executive material, you are strikingly beautiful.
Believe it or not, the rate at which you advance in your career may have less to do with the actual work you accomplish, but depend more on the subtle signals you send by your attitude, your clothes, even your hair.
Take me, for example. For some bizarre reason my co-workers believe I am a hard worker and socializer who does nothing but gossip and complain when not working a room. This could be explained by the fact that I am hard worker and sociolizer who does nothing but gossip and complain when not working a room, but I now realize that it has more to do with the Louis Vuitton slippers I wear at my desk. They’re comfy and toasty, but they might not be sending a signal that matches my merciless drive to succeed.
My introduction to the power of workplace signals comes from The Independent and a article about “Banks telling there staff, Don’t forget the Lipstick ,girls” by Rachel Shields.The Bank of England came under fire last night for “institutional sexism”, after it held a seminar for female staff to advise them on what clothing, shoes and make-up to wear. In a week when the IMF announced that the British economy will be the hardest hit of all the developed nations, when strikes erupted across the country and as world leaders gathered in Davos to discuss global recession, senior figures at the Bank turned their minds to lipstick and high heels. On Wednesday, Bank of England employees gathered for a Dress for Success summit, at which female employees were lectured on the importance of wearing appropriate jewellery and make-up in the workplace. A memo leaked from the meeting details the advice given to staff, including the warning that wearing certain accessories would make women workers look like prostitutes. “Look professional, not fashionable; be careful with perfume; always wear a heel of some sort – maximum two inches; always wear some sort of makeup, even if it’s just lipstick,” read the memo. It was distributed by the professional image consultancy firm hired by the bank for the event. Corporate image consultants can cost anything up to £5,000 for a 30- minute session. But Pippa Rees, director of Naked Ambition Personal Branding Consultants, and a member of the Federation of Image Consultants, said: “How you dress can make you have more authority and command more respect. Women struggle with what to wear for business and formal wear, and image consultants can make women aware of how clothes can add to their credibility, and how they can diminish it. “If you are a banker, a lawyer or an accountant you are a professional, and your client will expect you to look like one. A pilot’s uniform denotes his ability to do the job, and professional dress does the same,” said Ms Rees.
Haymarket © 1957 – 2012
